We had our 18 week ultrasound yesterday. Technology is pretty cool - we actually counted fingers and toes and all that. We looked and looked, but alas, no penis so it must be a girl! No, we're not disappointed...we're terrified. Ellie is a little tsunami - so much more a handful than Alex ever was (at least I think so; I don't really remember exactly). The good news is I plan to have the girls share a room and save my guest bedroom and only need a crib skirt (and a crib and dresser) in order to equip the new addition.
I am considered a normal OB patient despite the fact that I'm 38, still puking every morning, and a former fertility patient with one ovary and a polyp on my cervix. It is actually kinda cool although it is so odd to know I won't see the baby again until she's out...and I hope that is the case because the only way I get another ultrasound is if something is wrong.
I'm sure I can find something to complain about if I think about it, but I'm not feeling witty at the moment, and I'm tired. And, of course, hungry. So, no tirades today. I'm going to get some ice cream from the freezer and watch TIVO. :)
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Eating, sleeping, and other stuff
So, I thought maybe I'd talk about eating. For me and the kids. Why? I don't know, maybe because all I THINK about is eating...I want to, I don't want to, what will make me sick, what can the kids eat. OK, I'm obsessed just a little.
Let's start with Ellie. She's 13 months old and rarely meets a food she doesn't feel is necessary to shove into her mouth. If you're eating, she feels entitled to some. Mealtimes are something else, though...she insists on throwing food on the floor. We warn her 3 times then pull her food away. I worry I'm starving her, but I can't let her toss all her food on the floor, can I? She does it defiantly - we tell her no and she looks at us, holds her hand over the side of the high chair, then drops the food on the floor. I really hate this age - learning to assert independence but in such inappropriate ways.
Alex is another story. He's hovering between toddlerhood and preschooler territory. That makes eating an absolute nightmare. He asks for food then doesn't eat it. Then two hours later he wants to snack. He's so frustrating. He won't eat for days then eats everything in sight. I know this is normal but I throw away so much food I want to scream.
Then there's me. If I don't eat at least every two hours I still get nauseous. I feel like I'm consuming vast quantities of food, especially in the afternoon. How I'm not gaining 40 pounds I have no idea. My doctor told me she'd be happy if I gained 15 pounds...I wonder if she'll flip out if I gain 25? I'm under/normal weight so that should be OK. Of course, if I don't get over this aversion to cooking we're going to have a serious problem!
Sleeping...sucks. Ellie has decided sleeping is not necessary in her life at all. Alex won't stay in his room and insists on waking us up and sleeping with us for hours each night. I'm starting to get uncomfortable and of course still need to pee at least once a night. It all translates to about 6 hours a night with no napping most afternoons. I'm EXHAUSTED. I have no idea how to make it better, though. And if I hear Ellie's crib soother one more time at 6 in the morning or for two hours in the afternoon I'm pitching it out a window.
The baby is OK. The first trimester scan came back fine, and I've actually heard a heartbeat. I'm 15 weeks now, and I may have been feeling better (barring the mucous I puke up every morning) if I haven't had to be on antibiotics for bacterial bladder infections which caused a yeast infection which needed to be treated. I want to cry about it because it is just insane. I can't take my vitamins because I'm afraid they'll make me sicker so I've been taking Alex's. My sis took kiddie vitamins her whole pregnancy so I guess I should be fine.
I wasn't going to post because I just don't have a lot to say...but here is a post. I'm off to have second lunch now, which I listen to Ellie not take her nap. Again.
Let's start with Ellie. She's 13 months old and rarely meets a food she doesn't feel is necessary to shove into her mouth. If you're eating, she feels entitled to some. Mealtimes are something else, though...she insists on throwing food on the floor. We warn her 3 times then pull her food away. I worry I'm starving her, but I can't let her toss all her food on the floor, can I? She does it defiantly - we tell her no and she looks at us, holds her hand over the side of the high chair, then drops the food on the floor. I really hate this age - learning to assert independence but in such inappropriate ways.
Alex is another story. He's hovering between toddlerhood and preschooler territory. That makes eating an absolute nightmare. He asks for food then doesn't eat it. Then two hours later he wants to snack. He's so frustrating. He won't eat for days then eats everything in sight. I know this is normal but I throw away so much food I want to scream.
Then there's me. If I don't eat at least every two hours I still get nauseous. I feel like I'm consuming vast quantities of food, especially in the afternoon. How I'm not gaining 40 pounds I have no idea. My doctor told me she'd be happy if I gained 15 pounds...I wonder if she'll flip out if I gain 25? I'm under/normal weight so that should be OK. Of course, if I don't get over this aversion to cooking we're going to have a serious problem!
Sleeping...sucks. Ellie has decided sleeping is not necessary in her life at all. Alex won't stay in his room and insists on waking us up and sleeping with us for hours each night. I'm starting to get uncomfortable and of course still need to pee at least once a night. It all translates to about 6 hours a night with no napping most afternoons. I'm EXHAUSTED. I have no idea how to make it better, though. And if I hear Ellie's crib soother one more time at 6 in the morning or for two hours in the afternoon I'm pitching it out a window.
The baby is OK. The first trimester scan came back fine, and I've actually heard a heartbeat. I'm 15 weeks now, and I may have been feeling better (barring the mucous I puke up every morning) if I haven't had to be on antibiotics for bacterial bladder infections which caused a yeast infection which needed to be treated. I want to cry about it because it is just insane. I can't take my vitamins because I'm afraid they'll make me sicker so I've been taking Alex's. My sis took kiddie vitamins her whole pregnancy so I guess I should be fine.
I wasn't going to post because I just don't have a lot to say...but here is a post. I'm off to have second lunch now, which I listen to Ellie not take her nap. Again.
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
I'm just so tired...
I'm just gonna come right out and say it - pregnancy sucks sometimes. Don't get me wrong. I am incredibly grateful God has given me this gift, and I'm sure he has a plan for our family (a wise friend told me "want to make God laugh? make your own plan"). I have faith everything will eventually work out. I do not for a second believe it will be all sunshine and roses because, well, it isn't.
It is damn hard to take care of a one year old who has decided whining is her favorite thing on earth to do and an almost three year old who isn't quite a big kid but isn't a baby either, and needs a lot of attention. Who, by the way, is currently sick. It is practically impossible to do it well when you are fighting fatigue and nausea all day long and puking your guts up at least once daily. Still looking for the magic nausea cure - I've tried everything suggested to me so far and nothing has worked more than once yet.
Add to that my husband got in trouble for missing work to help me take care of the kids while I went to doctor appointments, and now I have the worry of figuring out how to get all these tests I need to get while dragging said kids with me. Peeing in cup with those two in tow makes me cringe, but having them with me for a one or two hour appointment and trying to get serious tests? Just kill me now. I'm too old for this shit. I didn't want to be nor ask to be pregnant at 38...but again, I realize I'm not in charge.
So, I'm going to wallow a little in my misery and hope that when 12 weeks hits and that magical 2nd trimester comes around, I actually feel better like I should. I am counting in it and thinking positively - I have less than two weeks to go before that mark - and I KNOW I can do it. In the meantime, I really would just like one full night sleep...maybe I won't be such a zombie anymore. And maybe one or two days of not throwing up...but hopefully the end is near on that one. And maybe a babysitter??? Tee hee hee.
I'm feeling guilty for being miserable because I swore I wouldn't be, but damn it, I am TIRED and SICK and TIRED and TIRED and TIRED and feeling guilty because my house isn't clean and I'm not playing with my kids enough and my two year old is watching my one year old while I puke...oh, god is this my LIFE????
I'm going to take a nap. Yeah, right. Like THAT would ever happen.
It is damn hard to take care of a one year old who has decided whining is her favorite thing on earth to do and an almost three year old who isn't quite a big kid but isn't a baby either, and needs a lot of attention. Who, by the way, is currently sick. It is practically impossible to do it well when you are fighting fatigue and nausea all day long and puking your guts up at least once daily. Still looking for the magic nausea cure - I've tried everything suggested to me so far and nothing has worked more than once yet.
Add to that my husband got in trouble for missing work to help me take care of the kids while I went to doctor appointments, and now I have the worry of figuring out how to get all these tests I need to get while dragging said kids with me. Peeing in cup with those two in tow makes me cringe, but having them with me for a one or two hour appointment and trying to get serious tests? Just kill me now. I'm too old for this shit. I didn't want to be nor ask to be pregnant at 38...but again, I realize I'm not in charge.
So, I'm going to wallow a little in my misery and hope that when 12 weeks hits and that magical 2nd trimester comes around, I actually feel better like I should. I am counting in it and thinking positively - I have less than two weeks to go before that mark - and I KNOW I can do it. In the meantime, I really would just like one full night sleep...maybe I won't be such a zombie anymore. And maybe one or two days of not throwing up...but hopefully the end is near on that one. And maybe a babysitter??? Tee hee hee.
I'm feeling guilty for being miserable because I swore I wouldn't be, but damn it, I am TIRED and SICK and TIRED and TIRED and TIRED and feeling guilty because my house isn't clean and I'm not playing with my kids enough and my two year old is watching my one year old while I puke...oh, god is this my LIFE????
I'm going to take a nap. Yeah, right. Like THAT would ever happen.
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
We're having a bean
So we went for the ultrasound yesterday. Turns out there is a baby in there, in the proper place, with a heartbeat.
Go figure. Holy crap.
Go figure. Holy crap.
Monday, December 29, 2008
Still waiting for that other shoe to drop...
Well, tomorrow I finally go to the doctor. I just found out I'll actually have an ultrasound, so I'm excited to know for sure if there really is a baby in there. Being a skeptic, none of the symptoms I'm experiencing will convince me like actually seeing it.
In the meantime, I want to know who the hell came up with the term "morning sickness". Morning my ASS...there is nothng about it that restricts itself to the morning. I want to know one freaking pregnant woman who woke up, daintily puked into the toilet, then went about her day.
I was hoping to avoid this like my sister in law, but since she is a "fertile" different rules apply. I am blessedly not as sick as my sister - I don't actually puke anything up, just heave, but I am really tired of constantly feeling like I am going to vomit and not being able to smell food or cook meals. And my stomach muscles HURT.
I wasn't going to be one of those people who complained - I feel pregnancy is not a disease and you shouldn't bitch about the miracle growing inside you. But...I didn't ever WANT to be pregnant and I've got two little kids to take care of. Two little kids who are 23 and 33 pounds so aching stomach muscles don't help me take care of them. So, I'm going to complain just a little. I WILL enjoy the miracle going on inside me...I just don't want to do it holding my hair back and hanging over the toilet, KWIM?
Speaking of complaining, if you have ever been pregnant, even if you had a picture perfect not a thing in the world gone wrong or ever hurt pregnancy, or if you are in the mood for some really funny humor...Jenny McCarthy's "Belly Laughs" is just about the funniest thing I have ever read.
Oh, and a funny image for you, although it isn't really funny when you're the one hanging over the toilet...this morning I was heaving into the toilet and my 6 days shy of one year old little girl came in with her top and started banging it and singing in the bathroom. Nothing like being serenaded while you puke. It is hard to hold your hair back, heave, and keep a toy out of the toilet at the same time, but I guess that's why Moms get a third set of hands...
In the meantime, I want to know who the hell came up with the term "morning sickness". Morning my ASS...there is nothng about it that restricts itself to the morning. I want to know one freaking pregnant woman who woke up, daintily puked into the toilet, then went about her day.
I was hoping to avoid this like my sister in law, but since she is a "fertile" different rules apply. I am blessedly not as sick as my sister - I don't actually puke anything up, just heave, but I am really tired of constantly feeling like I am going to vomit and not being able to smell food or cook meals. And my stomach muscles HURT.
I wasn't going to be one of those people who complained - I feel pregnancy is not a disease and you shouldn't bitch about the miracle growing inside you. But...I didn't ever WANT to be pregnant and I've got two little kids to take care of. Two little kids who are 23 and 33 pounds so aching stomach muscles don't help me take care of them. So, I'm going to complain just a little. I WILL enjoy the miracle going on inside me...I just don't want to do it holding my hair back and hanging over the toilet, KWIM?
Speaking of complaining, if you have ever been pregnant, even if you had a picture perfect not a thing in the world gone wrong or ever hurt pregnancy, or if you are in the mood for some really funny humor...Jenny McCarthy's "Belly Laughs" is just about the funniest thing I have ever read.
Oh, and a funny image for you, although it isn't really funny when you're the one hanging over the toilet...this morning I was heaving into the toilet and my 6 days shy of one year old little girl came in with her top and started banging it and singing in the bathroom. Nothing like being serenaded while you puke. It is hard to hold your hair back, heave, and keep a toy out of the toilet at the same time, but I guess that's why Moms get a third set of hands...
Friday, December 12, 2008
How the hell did this happen?
First things first. Sorry I haven't updated in a while. We went to stay with my parents in August, and lived there until November 15. On September 17, Ellie came home through Philadelphia airport and she is just a beautiful ball of energy. Alex and Ellie have mostly worked out the kinks and Alex has decided he'd rather protect that kill Ellie these days, so that's good.
We moved to Delaware (I was sad to leave Jersey but so happy to officially be out of the hell I was in down south...)and are adjusting to spending days with just the three of us. The kids get sick of Mommy, and I long for a few minutes to sit down, but we're coping. We've even got a routine. Maybe after Christmas I'll attempt to take the two of them to a store by myself...something I've been avoiding because neither will stay in a stroller and both are mobile. Sigh.
Oh, yeah, and I'm pregnant. And technically, I know HOW it happened, but HOW did it happen???
Yeah, you read it right. We tried to conceive for 5 years, did infertility treatments, adopted and brought home from Korea two wonderful children and thought our family was complete. Obviously God had other plans.
I can't remember if I mentioned my bad female issues...which led to laparoscopic surgery in July. They cleaned up a lot of mess from my surgery 12 years ago, and a teeny bit of endometriosis. My issues have gotten a little better, and I asked the doctor if I was "fixed" and should be careful. He said probably not - my diagnosis was I didn't ovulate and I didn't have enough good eggs. That was good with me...I didn't want to be pregnant.
So...the night we moved in, we didn't use protection. Oops...it was ONCE people, once. This doesn't happen to 38 year old infertile people. Especially people who so desperately DO NOT want to be the cliche of adopting and getting pregnant. I'm still not convinced we're actually HAVING a baby, after all I'm OLD and I have a history of ectopic pregnancy. There really isn't a reason I think this pregnancy will last other than God's cosmic sense of humor. Seriously...can I handle 3 kids under 5? Will I EVER leave the house again?
For now, I am feeling surprisingly good and am almost 6 weeks pregnant...and the OB considers me normal and won't see me early. Ironic, huh?
Sunday, September 07, 2008
The waiting game
We are still waiting...but ever so much closer. All the nonsense with the US government delaying our paperwork is over, and our daughter is paper ready to come home. We just need an escort available to bring her to the US, because it is logistically impossible to travel to Korea right now.
I just want my little girl HOME!
Someone on an adoption board I frequent posted this poem today, and I just love it. That's all I have to say today.
I just want my little girl HOME!
Someone on an adoption board I frequent posted this poem today, and I just love it. That's all I have to say today.
May you be safe while you are waiting
May you be safe and sleep soundly through the night
May you be safe as you wake in morning light
May you feel our love from so far away
May it comfort and protect you throughout the day
We will pray for you, our little one
Until our time of waiting is done
We will pray that the Lord will keep you safe from harm
Until the child of our hearts becomes the child in our arms
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